The Laundry List: 14 Characteristics of an Adult Child Through a Christian and Biblical Lens
The Laundry List, a term coined in the Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) program, refers to 14 common traits observed in individuals who grew up in dysfunctional families. These characteristics often reflect the survival mechanisms and emotional wounds developed during childhood. From a Christian perspective, understanding these traits can lead to healing, transformation, and a closer relationship with God.
In Christ, we are not defined by our past. As 2 Corinthians 5:17 proclaims:
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!"
Let’s explore the 14 traits through a biblical lens, finding hope and practical applications in God’s Word.
1. Fear of Authority Figures
Adult Children often fear authority figures due to negative experiences with parents or caregivers. This fear can hinder their ability to trust God, the ultimate authority.
Biblical Insight:
God invites us to see Him as a loving Father, not a figure of fear. Romans 8:15 reminds us:
"The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’"
Application:
Pray for a renewed perspective on authority, seeing God as a compassionate Father who desires your good.
2. People-Pleasing
Adult Children often seek approval and validation from others, fearing rejection if they don’t meet expectations.
Biblical Insight:
Galatians 1:10 challenges us to seek God’s approval above all:
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ."
Application:
Ask God to help you shift your focus from pleasing people to pleasing Him, trusting that His love is unconditional.
3. Difficulty Identifying Feelings
Many Adult Children struggle to understand or express their emotions, often suppressing them to avoid conflict.
Biblical Insight:
Psalm 34:18 assures us that God understands and values our emotions:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Application:
Bring your feelings to God in prayer, trusting Him to guide you toward emotional clarity and healing.
4. Fear of Abandonment
Adult Children often live in fear that others will leave them, reflecting childhood experiences of neglect or emotional unavailability.
Biblical Insight:
Hebrews 13:5 offers reassurance:
"Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
Application:
Meditate on God’s promise to remain with you, even when others fail.
5. Becoming an Addict or Marrying One
Adult Children may replicate the dysfunction of their upbringing by developing addictions or entering relationships with those who are addicted.
Biblical Insight:
Romans 6:14 reminds us:
"For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace."
Application:
Seek God’s power to break free from cycles of addiction or unhealthy relationships, relying on His strength.
6. Confusing Love with Pity
Adult Children often equate love with rescuing or feeling sorry for someone, leading to codependent relationships.
Biblical Insight:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 defines love as selfless, patient, and kind—not enabling or pity-driven.
Application:
Pray for wisdom to discern genuine love and set healthy boundaries.
7. Overdeveloped Sense of Responsibility
Adult Children often feel overly responsible for others’ problems, neglecting their own needs in the process.
Biblical Insight:
Galatians 6:2 calls us to bear one another’s burdens, but Galatians 6:5 reminds us:
"For each one should carry their own load."
Application:
Ask God to help you find balance, shouldering responsibilities in a way that honors Him.
8. Guilt for Standing Up for Themselves
Adult Children may feel guilt when asserting their needs or expressing disagreement, fearing they’ll hurt others.
Biblical Insight:
Proverbs 29:25 teaches:
"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe."
Application:
Ask God for courage to stand firm in truth, trusting Him to guide your words and actions.
9. Isolation and Fear of Intimacy
Fear of vulnerability often leads Adult Children to isolate themselves emotionally or physically.
Biblical Insight:
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 emphasizes the value of community:
"Two are better than one... If either of them falls down, one can help the other up."
Application:
Seek godly relationships where trust can be built, knowing that isolation is not God’s plan for you.
10. Judging Themselves Harshly
Adult Children often struggle with self-criticism and shame, unable to see themselves through God’s grace.
Biblical Insight:
Romans 8:1 declares:
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."
Application:
Ask God to replace self-condemnation with His truth and grace.
11. Dependence on Others for Approval
Adult Children frequently rely on external validation for their sense of worth.
Biblical Insight:
Psalm 139:14 reminds us:
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Application:
Rest in the knowledge that your worth comes from being God’s beloved creation, not from others’ opinions.
12. Feeling Different from Others
Adult Children often feel out of place or disconnected, as if they don’t belong.
Biblical Insight:
Philippians 3:20 reminds us that our true citizenship is in heaven:
"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ."
Application:
Embrace your identity as part of God’s family, knowing you belong to Him.
13. Seeking Approval but Fearing Criticism
Adult Children may crave praise while dreading correction, reflecting a fragile sense of self-worth.
Biblical Insight:
Proverbs 9:8 encourages us to welcome godly correction:
"Rebuke the wise and they will love you."
Application:
Ask God to help you accept constructive feedback as an opportunity for growth.
14. Struggling to Relax and Have Fun
Adult Children often find it difficult to enjoy life, weighed down by anxiety and a need for control.
Biblical Insight:
Psalm 16:11 reminds us of the joy found in God’s presence:
"You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence."
Application:
Invite God to restore your sense of joy, trusting Him to carry your burdens.
Moving Toward Healing and Freedom
Acknowledging the Laundry List traits is the first step toward healing. The good news is that transformation is possible through Christ. Galatians 5:1 encourages us:
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."
Healing involves prayer, studying God’s Word, and seeking community with others who are on the same journey.
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