Earlier this month, I happened across an article at Crosswalk.com by Dena Johnson - How wrestling with God will change you forever. In her article/devotional, she recounts the story of Jacob and how Jacob wrestled with a person throughout the evening. His name was changed from Jacob to Israel and became the father of the Israelites. What she noted in this passage is the following:

For the last two years, I have been wrestling with God. I have wrestled night and day, asking for a fresh vision of who he is and what he wants for my life. I’ve had a particular situation that has caused me to lose many nights of sleep—nights spent wrestling with God in prayer. I’ve begged God to give me clarity because I know that God is the author of peace and not confusion. I’ve spent countless hours crying, seeking God’s face.

Prior to this, Dena recounts this simple reflection: "I’ve always been curious about this passage, about how Jacob—now known as Israel—wrestled with God. I simply couldn’t understand what it meant."

Dena further remarks on how she came across a simple passage of scripture that held a peculiar principle of truth:

And he set up an altar there and called it “God, the God of Israel” (Genesis 33:20)

Citing Genesis 28:13, 32:9 and 31:42, Dena makes the following observation:

You see, until Jacob had a divine wrestling match with God—until he had a very personal struggle with God—his faith was not cemented. It was not his own. Yes, he knew of his father’s faith. He had most definitely heard the stories of his grandfather’s faith. But, he was only living his faith vicariously through their faith; it had not been solidified in his life.

Her observation, personal experience of her own "wrestling with God" and how it increased her faith, and giving peace, Dena shares the simple principle of an eternal principle. Until we have our own encounter with the divine and wrestle with God in our own lives, we will not fully understand and comprehend the blessings our Heavenly Father has in store for us.

I reflect on this article and its simple message because of a recent LDS Fireside I attended for the Seattle-Shoreline Stake. A fireside about those of our families and friends who have doubts about the Gospel, doubts about God, doubts about Faith and in general - they are in a season of wrestling with God. How do we respond to those who are wrestling with their own doubts? Wrestling with their own personal questions and simple truths of the Gospel of Jesus Christ?

1 - Mindfulness and active listening

We have to be very mindful and truly be present in listening to what another person has to say. This means, we must look upon them and be in the present moment with them. Meeting them where they are at, not where we believe they ought to be. Many of us struggle with this act of kindness.

2 - We all have a story - the Lord wants to be included in that story

For those who are struggling with their own questions, doubts, testimony, faith or have particular concerns about doctrines of the Gospel have a story. Like Jacobs story of his wrestle with God, each person is writing their own story regarding how they are wrestling with God. The Lord was not reclusive, the Lord was wrestling with Jacob just as much as he is wrestling with each one of us as we consider our own doubts, questions, and crisis of faith. At the end of the day, being a person of faith is a great challenge. Yet, once we come to the morning upon which we are touched by God and realize who he truly is and are blessed by him, we then can own our faith and true testimony.

3 - Individuals with doubt and crisis of faith feel unsafe

One of the many problems in our society today, more specifically within the culture of Christianity, is that those who are wrestling with God do so in silence, alone, and without any collective knowledge. They may, perchance, offer up some hint of struggle to those very close. However, when it comes to outright discussing the exact nature of their struggle and crisis of faith, most fear judgment, condemnation, ridicule, and/or even being ostracized for not have a strong testimony or faith in God. This includes disappointments in finding those who truly may know and understand the heart of the individual who is struggle.

4 - Respect and validate where a person in crisis is

In a previous article that I had written, I opened up with this paragraph:

One of the most challenging aspects of being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is having to constantly be aware of one’s on-going work toward perfection. Many times, as a Mormon, the constant teaching of, “you have to do this in order for this to happen,” came across the pulpit, at firesides and in Sunday School. The tragic loss of this message is that most people who have left the Church finally realize the real freedom in a relationship with Jesus Christ and not being obligated to prove one’s self-worth to God. The simple message of the Gospel, and of the sacrifice the Savior made, is diluted, confused and wrapped in a more humanistic effort to please God. The reality is that because God is sovereign, loving and merciful, he meets us where we are at in the present moment – not where he desires us to be in order to bless us, redeem us, or even forgive us when we falter. Unfortunately, the Mormon faith, it’s leaders and many members seemed to have lost sight of this important truth. (How God meets us where we are in the present moment)

This very thought was illuminated this evening at the fireside. People who are having a crisis of faith (whether they are Latter-day Saint Christians, Evangelical Christians, Roman Catholics or any other Christian faith), are not looking for judgment or condemnation. Instead, they are looking to be met exactly where they are at in that precise moment - without prejudice, judgment or unsolicited advice. Especially since the last thing individuals want is to feel unwelcome by those in their Christian faith community.

Instead, we ought to strive toward inclusion of those who are wrestling with God because of their doubts, fears and questions. Because people are emotional beings more than they are rational beings and through emotional experiences, make decisions based on how they feel. We may not know a person is struggle and wrestling with God, what we say and what we do determine whether or not a person feels unaccepted and unwanted.

5. Remember what you know about your own personal experiences

For those wrestling with God because of doubts and questions, always hold onto what you know and have already experienced while striving to live out the Gospel in your own lives. This may require having a heart-to-heart conversation with an individual or a group of individuals (Family, friends, like minded co-workers, even those who may not share in the same beliefs you and I share in). The more insight we are able to gain, the more we are able to bring to remembrance the many different blessings and spiritual experiences we have already received.

6. Need to turn our doubts and questions over to God

We always forget that God works according to his own timeline. For instance, after 400 years of Slavery, God had heard the many prayers of the Israelites and remembered his covenant he had made with Abraham. In our finite ways of thinking, we demand instant gratification, instant relief from whatever is our struggle, however we are wrestling with God. Here is where real faith is challenged and tested - not by our will, but by the Will, desire and purpose of God. A God who is sovereign, merciful and kind to those who seek after him.

What then is the recipe to get on the other side of our wrestling match with God? First, we ought to remember to always seek after truth in our own lives. Not only seek after it, live it out as authentic as possible. Remember that just as God validates our own sorrows, our own struggles and our own doubts and fears, we too must validate others who are going through their own season of wrestling with God. Secondly, we ought to be ready to be of service to those who are wanting to find their own personal revelation. Though, we are not able to give to them their own revelation about God or receive answers for them. We are, instead, able to encourage, empower and support their ongoing means to find their own blessing, testimony and faith in God. Much like Jacob had to wrestle with God and receive the blessing afterward, we too must do this alone - not without the support of others around us though.

The blessings that come when we find a solidarity faith in God, his truth and the reality of Jesus Christ? The ability to live out the Gospel in an authentic way as a testimony to others that are seeking their own answers.

We all will come to our own place where we face the Sovereign God and wrestle with him. Be encouraged that just as Jacob found his faith, we too are able to find our own faith in God. And live out that faith in a more authentic and genuine way.

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Discussion Questions for commentary:

1) Have you had a moment of crisis in your faith where you doubted God? What was your experience and how were you able to resolve your struggles and doubts?

2) If you have left the Faith (LDS or Evangelical Christianity) what were some of the doubts that kept you from engaging?

3) How do you identify with the video message and this article? What questions do you have in helping those around you who are currently wrestling or struggling in their own faith?

Lost Art of Speaking Kindly

 There is a deep-rooted problem in society today.

It appears that many people in our society have lost the art of speaking kindly to one another. Sure, there are probably small pockets of decent humanity where the art of speaking kindly is a delicatessen. However, in general, we seemed to have forgotten the importance of how we speak with others. This has a significant impact. And, majority of the time, we make up foolish excuses as to reasons we do not speak kindly to others.

In my early twenties, I had a gentleman counsel me. His words still ring true today. He remarked how people have an emotional bank account. With any bank account, we want to make sure that we always make enough deposits. If we do not, and we take too much money out, the account becomes overdrawn.

Today, we seemed to be making more withdrawals than we are making deposits.

And not only are we making significant withdrawals from other individuals, but we are also making significant withdrawals from our own emotional bank accounts.

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou

The lost art of speaking kindly to one another, and to our own self, starts with how we come to understand the way we treat self and others.

We begin to speak kindly too ourselves

This is important because we want to consider how we treat ourselves first. How we treat ourselves stems from how we speak to ourselves. Once we understand how we speak and treat our own personage, we begin to realize how we speak and treat other people around us. We fail to grasp the extreme and rigid viewpoint of either being selfless or selfish.

How do we repair an emotional bank account that is overdrawn? We start making daily deposits until the account goes from being a negative balance to a positive balance. We keep going to ensure that there is enough to cover any possible withdrawal. Yet, most of us tend to walk away in the hopes of avoiding the negative. Unfortunately, we continue to carry the negative balance throughout our lives. However, when we stop running from our fears and emotions, we begin to embrace and take responsibility for how we feel, and what we are saying; we begin to heal by speaking kindly. 

This requires grace toward self-identity. And the more grace we show ourselves, the more we pour into speaking kindly, the outcome naturally follows to where we are capable of speaking kindly toward other people.

How we speak into other people's lives leaves a significant impression on them

People will not remember what we have done for them. They may even forget what was even said to them. As Maya Angelou teaches us, they will remember how we have influenced the way they felt. If we speak harshly, with condemnation and judgment, they will remember how they felt angered, hurt, betrayed, or frustrated. However, if we speak with thoughtful and genuine kindness, they will remember the comfort and peace it brought into their lives.

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace ~ Buddha

When we are speaking into people's lives, we are using a powerful influence to contribute something meaningful and purposeful; or we are exerting our powerful influence to injure and hurt another person. This is because our tongue has a significant power to speak life or death:

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. ~ Proverbs 12: 18, ESV

Our words either tear someone down or are uplifting and comforting them.

8 simple principles to remember

First, we want to begin speaking thoughtfully toward ourselves, and then toward other people. We speak with validation. There is acknowledgement, compassion, and empathy in how we speak to self and toward others. Our words truly reflect and illuminate who we are.

Secondly, we want to be kind toward self and others when we speak. This does not mean we have to forfeit our need to be direct and assertive. We have the capacity to show kindness even when we are making a firm and direct stance.

We have the power to influence people through our kindness than we do in detracting them with unpleasant and unkind methods.

Third, we develop a genuine need to listen attentively. This requires some patience on our part. Instead of processing what we want to say next, we are failing to connect with and understand the conversation. Even our own body language shows whether we are speaking kindly or not. In those quiet moments where we tend to listen attentively in order to show kindness toward self and others.

The next principle requires the art of mindfulness. Speaking kindly to self and others requires our ability to reserve any form of judgment. We all have personal biased opinions. As human beings, we also have a proneness to be reactionary from an emotional viewpoint.  We like to say, think before you speak! Yet, how many of us follow this rule of thumb? By reserving our judgment, we are thoughtfully engaged in hearing what another person is saying. It is when we are consciously aware of their own humanity, we become more invested in the interaction with them.

Fifth, we want to be honest. We want to speak kindly by maintaining integrity. We want to speak with truthfulness with compassion - even when speaking truthfully maybe hurtful for self and others to hear. There is no pussyfooting around the mulberry bush; especially when we are engaged in a more serious conversation.

Sixth principle is to understand the need to consider the other person's opinion. Many times, we are speaking in a manner to prove our sense of right! Some years back, I had engaged in an innocent conversation over Excedrin. It involved my daughter's mother. I had mentioned that I lived with a gentleman who liked to chew on Excedrin tablets. His reasoning was because of the codeine contained in the medication. We engaged in a bantering debate. Inevitably, she pulled out a bottle of Excedrin and had me read the ingredients. Sure enough, I was wrong. The problem: I pushed the issue because I believed I was right, especially without evidence.

We want to value the other person's opinion and we want to be open and receptive regarding their opinion. Because, when we are speaking kindly with self and others, we may be open and receptive to new possibilities and opportunities we may not have considered.

One of the important things we want to consider is not to yell. When we raise our voice, whatever it is we say becomes irrelevant. We are no longer talking with other people; we are talking at them. We also have come to a place where we've lost control and the conversation becomes different, sometimes volatile. We want to be at a place of managing our emotions so that we are not becoming emotionally reactive. Once we are emotionally reactive, we may say things that upon later reflection, we might regret, or say something that may cause a serious withdrawal from their emotional bank account.

We want to ensure that we bring ourselves to calm, collect our thoughts, take ownership of our own feelings, and respond kindly that communicates our own frustration and emotional state.

Finally, we want to show our appreciation and gratitude. Nothing speaks more volumes of kindness and appreciation than a simple "thank you for your time," or "I appreciate the hard work you are doing."

Where do we go from here?

Each of us has an emotional bank account. When we speak kindly to ourselves, and toward other people, we are engaging in a lost art of conversation. We are empowering, lifting others up, and being a person of influence. And, as we engage in this lost art of society, the hope is that by our speaking kindly and gently toward self and others is the motivating factor to influence others to begin speaking kindly.